Little Poor Wolfie and the Big Red Girl
by Drop The Catt
Summary: I'm Wolfie Grey. Yes, THE Wolfie Grey... WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF ME! I'm the poor and utterly innocent victim of Gladys Baker a.k.a. Little Red Riding Hood. Yes. The notorious drug dealer. Now you're interested, eh? Well read on to find out


**A/N: **Here's a short story I wrote so long ago I've genuinely forgotten about it for the past I-don't-know-so-long. Anyway, to stop it rotting away with no attention I think I'll just put it up here for you lot to all gawp at in amazement at how genuinely un-me it is (if that even is a word which I very much doubt). In fact, no-one needs to gawp because none of you are my budding fans since this is up on my spare account where I think I put all my older writing!

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><p><strong>Little Poor Wolfie and the Big Red Girl<strong>

Hi, I'm Wolfie Lupus Grey. Yes, THE Wolfie Grey. Author of the 'Little Poor Wolfie and the Big Red Girl' series. Oh, you haven't heard of me. Trust a human not to have heard of Wolfie Grey, anyway, since you haven't heard of my series I'll go through the plot of the book. It is 100% true by the way. Yes, even when she passes me off as being a dangerous criminal. Now, I start the book off with a quick little poem. This is it below:

_Poor Little Red Riding Hood,_

_Was cycling through the big bad wood,_

_She was delivering some cakes to her granny,_

_She was told to do so by her mammy,_

_When suddenly she was stopped on the track,_

_By a fearsome creature which was a charcoal black,_

_He was a scary wolf who lived in the wood,_

_But unlike Red he wasn't at all good,_

_He asked her where she was going and beat her there,_

_Then went up to granny and gave her a scare,_

_He gobbled granny up and __waited for Red,_

_Dressed up in granny's clothes and got in her bed,_

_When Red came in she talked about the look of the beast,_

_The wolf soon got bored and decided to feast,_

_He lunged on top of poor little Red,_

_But then came in a woodcutter and chopped off his head,_

_Miraculously granny hadn't even got a scratch,_

_So life went back to normal in a snap._

This is all wrong! I'll tell you what actually happened and at the end of this tale... I mean- TRUE story, you will be crying so much my fur will get matted and then it will take forever to comb, but I can live with that as long as you know the truth. I am an author now after that dreadful day, but I used to be a community police officer, not just any old community police officer, mind you, but THE community police officer. If any poor porcupine had had one of his quills stolen I would be THE cop on the job. You humans use dogs for catching criminals and sniffing out illegal substances such as firearms and drugs, well, let me tell you, a wolf's sense of smell is ten times more sensitive than a dogs; which isn't that pleasant if you happen to have a skunk passing you on the motorway, but if you are a copper it is essential.

I had been on two huge cases for months, both were mafia. There was an agent I have been tracking down for months, known only by his associates as 'The Woodcutter' I had no idea where he was, but the one thing I was sure of was that it was him, he left distinctive axe-marks in every victim and there were starting to be complaints about him. People can't just go round chopping trees, they need a license. Some trees were starting to fear about their own safety, and I can't let that happen. I need a trusting community, and the woodcutter was hacking at that special bond between police and public. Once this bond starts to fray crimes can start to happen un-noticed, and when the police aren't being notified about the crimes the big-time stuff can come in, blackmail, kidnapping, even murder. It may start with a tree slicing or two, but it would end in full blown war.

You are probably screaming 'who is the second criminal at me'. Ok, then I will tell you, the second was more routine, a drug dealer had entered the district and I had to snuff them out. Or rather snuff the drug trade out. If you are a drug addict and you want to get your hands on some drugs you can't just ask anyone, they might turn you into the police. You have to look for the certain dress code. Drug dealers? They wear red cloaks, and red riding hood was the local yobbo. Her actual name was Gladys Baker, but all the addicts knew her as 'Red Riding Hood', or 'Red' for short. Red would smuggle the drugs to her clients by pretending she was delivering cakes. Inside each cake was a vial containing the order, but the thing was you had to pay for the cake as well. There have been several raids on Red's house and the reason we have found nothing is that she isn't the one who changes the stuff. It's her granny. Red's father smuggles the drugs into the forest where he gives it to granny, granny converts it into the substance used and waits for Red to arrive. At Red's house Red's mum has been busy baking hollow cakes for Red to take to her granny's, slip in the vial, and paste some jam in the middle to make it look like a Victoria sponge. Then Red would go on her deliveries, distributing the drugs to all the clients. Regularly I would follow Red up to granny's, waiting for her to do an illegal trick on her bike, such as ride without holding on to her handlebars, and it would give me a reason to stop her bike, and maybe _accidentally _open up a cake, revealing the vial with the illegal substance inside. I wasn't allowed to search granny's since the police wouldn't give me a warrant. Unfortunately she was a very safe driver and never did such tricks.

It was such a day and I was lurking in the wood when I had an idea, assaulting a police officer was a very serious crime and maybe I could frame her for that. Without giving it a second thought I thrust myself onto the path in front of her. When I saw the spinning wheels and whirr of metal I started to have second thoughts. As I said before, Red was very good at cycling and as soon as she saw someone blocking her path she made an emergency break, spinning the bike 180°. She was only millimetres away from me.

"What do you think you're doing, you must be suicidal trying a stunt like that!" screamed Red at me, "You very nearly got us both killed! You're a loony!"

"No, I'm a policeman, and under… err… code forty-three dash seven you are under arrest!"

"Code forty-three dash seven is a maternity leave request form!"

"Yes… well, you are under arrest for vocally insulting a police officer. By saying, I quote, 'you're a loony!'"

"Well, I was only telling the truth, you are a loony!"

"Shut up! Let me search your bike!"

"You have no authorisation to do that!"

"Fine, but I do have the right to ask a few basic information questions!"

"And I have the right to remain silent!"

"Well, missy, just answer the basics since your mother probably won't like a policeman knocking on her door asking how come her daughter knows what code forty-three dash seven is!"

This got Red.

"Fine! I'll answer your questions, it's not like I have anything to hide, is it?"

"Of course not, what is your name!"

"Little Red Riding Hood."

"Your real name, please!"

"Oh, right. Gladys Baker. Little Red Riding Hood is my nickname."

"Good. Now, where do you live?"

"Duh! You live opposite my house!"

"Just answer the question!"

"Fine! Do I have to say my whole address?"

"Yes please."

"It's 5 Gingerbread Way, North Cookie Ville, The Big Bad Wood."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm _going_ to activate the right to remain silent, and you can't keep me, I haven't done anything illegal!"

At that Red cycled off leaving me lying in the road, I was so engrossed in the conversation I hadn't even stood up. I leaped up in a bound and flexed my muscles, went down on all fours and ran up the bank, into the black trees sheltered with mist and sprinted dog-style to granny's house. It wasn't exactly elegant but it would beat a bike. I knew where Red was going and no-one would mind if I snooped around their house a bit before I caught them without a warrant, once I had caught them I would be a hero. Where did I go? Granny's.

I beat Red by about ten minutes. When I got to the door I was panting for breath, I opened the door when my mouth was open at the extent of the pant and granny marched into it. My mouth can become rather large and granny is rather small. I was still on my four legs so my mouth reached to the ground and granny had lost her glasses that morning and was long-sighted so she couldn't actually see she was walking into a wolf's mouth. All I heard her say was 'It gets dark very early these days!' and then she was eaten, inside my mouth, gone, kaput! I could do nothing to stop her though it really hurt. It would hurt you if you had a granny walking down your throat. The first automatic thing your body does is shut your mouth, and that is what I did. If you think something is going to go in your mouth you shut it, the only problem is my reaction was too late. By the time I opened my mouth granny had been swallowed. She tasted disgusting. Her perfume smelt like lavender but it tasted like acid! It burnt my mouth for at least an hour! Anyway, after a few minutes of trying to stick my paw down my mouth to pull her out I gave up, it was useless! I told myself to get on with the job and stop worrying about granny, worrying wasn't going to get criminals in jail, was it? So I decided to snoop around.

I was just looking inside granny's bathing hat when the door opened, it was Red! I looked for somewhere to hide, the bath? No! I needed something to hide all my body. I ran into the bedroom and dived under the covers, still clutching the bathing hat. The door swung open and Red, no, Gladys entered the room. The thing is, Gladys went into the criminal career because she wasn't any good at school work and was a bit thick so she brushed everything away like nothing was wrong at all.

"Hey! Is that you Gran! What are you doing lazing around in bed for? Do you have the goods or not?"

This is when I decided to act, I hadn't got any pockets in jacket, they should always put pockets in jackets, so I shoved the bathing cap on my head and poked my head over the covers. I would make a break for it. But before I could do anything Gladys reacted to my appearance. Now, as I told you, Gladys was a bit thick so she honestly thought that I was her Grandmother.

"Ooh! Gran, you look terribly ill. But that doesn't mean I can't stop delivering the load, hey! What big ears you have!"

I was rather insulted at that "All the better to hear you with!" I snapped back.

"What big eyes you have!"

"All the better to see you with!"

"What big teeth you have!"

"All the better to…" I paused "Brush them!"

"Hey! That sounds so lame! Gran NEVER says lame things... OH it's YOU!"

"Don't sound so disappointed, missy, I'm not no-one, you know!"

At this Red hooted like an owl three times.

"Why don't you laugh like a cheetah?" I teased

The next thing I remembered was waking up in casualty with fifty-three stitches and a thumping headache. Oh, and a court case for assault. And that was before I looked at my stomach. It seemed granny had got out, though the gaping hole in my stomach didn't seem to share her joy. Never cross a girl in a red suit, she could be a drug dealer.


End file.
